Ground Zero, Hallelujah!

Welcome to the Church of NineEleven. Brothers and sisters, we gather today in praise of Ground Zero, a site so holy it has the power to expand its size to encompass any proposed mosque.

Did you know that the name Ground Zero actually goes back over five hundred years? Grondaseero was an Algonquin word meaning “place where enormous metal trees will be hit by flying machines flown by Muslims.”

Over time the name faded from usage. Instead the area became known as “downtown”, “the World Trade Center”, and “the porn district.” Then, of course, came DEVINE CHANGE (Day EVerthing INstantly CHANGEd), when Americans discovered that not only had Osama Bin Laden attacked us, his fellow Muslims had occupied most of the world’s oil producing regions. (Note: the Church of NineEleven is not anti-Islam.)

Islam is an evil religion that teaches its followers to hate America. For reasons that are not entirely clear, Muslims did not attack us during our first 215 years. We refer to this period of American history as “The Big Snooze”, when Presidents Washington through Clinton daydreamed while our enemies patiently waited for the perfect time to strike.

Due to our generous nature, we did not respond to DEVINE CHANGE with a war against all Muslims – only most of their countries. From Afghanistan to Iraq to Pakistan to Yemen to Somalia, we’ve shown the Islamic world how a civilized nation goes about using airplanes to kill people.

Meanwhile, back in the homeland, Saint Rudy (blessed be his name) founded our Church on a few simple beliefs:

1)    NineEleven is not a date. It’s a way of life.

2)    We are born fearful and angry and should strive to return to that pure natural state.

3)    All races and creeds should form a brotherhood of man against Arabs and Muslims.

In recent years, the Church has gone through some hard times. Americans have disappointed us with their lack of enthusiasm for endless war against Islamo-petroleumism. The 2008 election almost broke our spirit entirely. Not only did people elect a man whose name rhymes with Osama, they didn’t even give the Republican nomination to Saint Rudy (praised be he, a pox on his ungrateful children.)

But now things are looking up - thanks to Ground Zero. Who would have thought that a proposal to build an Islamic cultural center based on “multifaith dialogue” (yuck!) could turn so quickly into its glorious opposite? Oh NineEleven, you sure do work in mysterious ways!

Every day more Republicans come back to church. Democrats are quietly coming too, shuffling in the side door with a liberal two-step – “I believe in freedom of religion, just not here.” Smile Democrats! Just because the Church doesn’t allow you to sit up front doesn’t mean NineEleven doesn’t love you.

It gratifies us to see so many people refer to Ground Zero as “hallowed ground” for those who died there. However, we are afraid that this term is too limiting. Most of the Church elders - like Sister Sarah and Brother Newt – aren’t actually connected to those who died that day. But that doesn’t make us any less qualified to speak to the true meaning of NineEleven.

In fact, it makes us more able cast out the Judases in our midst: so-called “9/11 families” who oppose endless war. Someone who lost a loved one on DEVINE CHANGE probably wouldn’t be able to scream “shut up!” at a Judas suffering the same grief. Brother O’Reilly could.

Besides, if Ground Zero is merely hallowed ground, than how can we expand our Church? NineEleven belongs to all Americans. If your town wasn’t lucky enough to have a Ground Zero, you should be able to build your own - federally funded and Church administered. We’ll call them Ground One, Ground Two, etcetera. And maybe they’ll just happen to be located near Muslim houses of worship.

At this point, some of you may have voice in your head raising questions: Isn’t this a little crude? What about freedom of religion?  Here’s how you can put that little guy on mute: Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and repeat these words: “Nine Eleven. Nine Eleven.” Now picture the towers coming down. Forget all those burdensome facts you learned in the days and years after. That moment is the truth.

Okay, open your eyes. Did you feel the spirit of NineEleven? Welcome to the Church!

No? Then we’ll see you in hell. Or prison, depending on the next election (good luck Sister Sarah!)