by Danny Lucia
The Metropolitan Transportation Authority (MTA) proclaimed itself yesterday “New York’s Best Transportation Value.”
“Studies have conclusively shown that our trains and buses are more affordable than taxis, limousines, and helicopters,” MTA spokesperson Richard Grubnik proudly declared. “Many middle class families can no longer afford a private jet or trans-oceanic hot air balloon due to rising fuel costs. We at the MTA are proud to offer transportation at a lower cost.”
In making this declaration, the Authority, which as been under fire for it’s plans to reduce service and raise fares, was reportedly influenced by Hunter College’s recent designation by the Princeton Review as the #2 “Best Value College.”
According to one unnamed MTA official, “Hunter has been raising its tuition and cutting staff. So some people might say ‘Boo hoo! Poor students won’t be able to stay in school. But Hunter is saying, ‘Look everybody! We’re cheaper than Columbia and NYU!’ That’s f*cking brilliant.”
Other public entities with rising fees and deteriorating services are apparently taking notice. Con Edison is planning a new ad campaign emphasizing its low cost in comparison with creating one’s own electrical grid. Elmhurst Hospital is debating between two new slogans for its emergency room: “Great Value Compared to Fancier Hospitals with their Nurses and Doctors” or “Even if You Die, that’s Still the Second Best Option.”
According to analysts, a key element of the new strategy is avoiding words like “public,” which imply that lower costs are due to taxpayer funds more than managerial brilliance. Hunter president Jennifer Raab demonstrated this technique in a recent interview on Fox Business.
When the host asked how Hunter was able to charge lower tuition than many universities, Raab’s response was not “because we’re a public school, you dumb-ass” but the more delicate “well, we are supported by New York State.”
“That’s very sharp,” notes advertising executive Lance Roachley. “‘Public school’ is a bad brand. It reminds us of those awful places in movies where the white teacher has to come save everyone by making them champions at something quirky and un-ghetto like origami or badminton.”
Added Roachley, “I’ve heard that the college likes to put fliers up all over campus about Hunter’s affordability. To do that in the midst of tuition hikes is a brilliant use of what we in the business call ‘counter-factual narrative.’”
“Of course,” Roachley concluded, “I’ve also heard that Hunter has a well-armed police force. That’s probably a good idea too.”
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